The Solution To The Black Problem

The Solution to the Black Problem

“Institutional Racism” and “Privilege” and “School-to-Prison Pipeline” are liberal buzzwords to cover up the truth - the reason so many black people are poor is because they listen to rap music.

How did we not see this my melanin brothers and sisters? It was so obvious to us all along. Hip- Hop is the root of the black problem. You’ve heard of the problem - the amorphous, undefinable, constantly changing but always imminent problem that is the reason so many black people are poor, disenfranchised, and with little prospects for class mobility. The problem is hip-hop. Or rap. Or urban. Whatever. All of it is noise.

Take Beyonce for instance, who has gradually been gravitating away from likes of kid-friendly kicks such as “Single Ladies” to ANTIFA-pandering anthems like “Formation”. For too long we’ve been championing her as a role model for female-empowerment, black success, and the joys of monogamy . But ever since she released “Formation,” she revealed herself to be a race baiting vamp.

“Stop shooting us!” a wall said in the song’s video, paying homage to the black panthers (the black equivalent of the KKK). But how can the black community expect cops to stop killing us on a whim if we don’t stop killing each other?! One simply cannot happen without the other insofar as one simply begets the other (beget means “give rise to”, for those with a public school education). Our caucasian neighbors have been telling us all along.

We can’t blame the ramifications of centuries long enslavement anymore, and we must stop holding our white friends personally responsible for slavery, like we always do. That’s over and gone now. The real enemy is people like Kendrick Lamar, whose inflammatory lyrics are poisoning our minds and robbing us of our ambition. He recently curated the “Black Panther” album which is now holding steady at number 1 on the billboard 200. Do you think that album’s success is a reflection of a cultural movement spurred by seeing a world where Africa wasn’t raped and our people had the chance to capitalize on their own continent’s ripe resources? No! The albums success means the gang bangers are winning!

“And we hate po-pos, wanna shoot us down in the street for sho”. My response - if black linebackers would stop charging backwards towards police and committing crimes, maybe we’d stop losing precious black lives. Did you know black people commit 26% of the crimes in America? I knew! My friend Greg Smithson won’t stop reminding me. He can’t remember his grandmothers birthday, but he damn sure knows the black crime rate is 26%. He probably had a bad experience with a person of color early in life, and that reflects on all of us. We are all responsible. Each night I lie awake, worried that a fellow black is robbing a 7/11, and therefore, robbing me of the clout I’ve accrued with Pi Kappa Alpha.

Tyler, my friend from high school, used to be an errant spender. He’d waste money on waffle house and models and G2 pilot pens and AR-15’s and vapes . He was speeding towards the edge, and his friends, including me, felt powerless to stop him. That’s when a mutual friend of ours, Logan, went to Tyler and played “Africa” by Toto. I’ve never heard a melody transform a person for 4 minutes like that before. People don’t change and Tyler is still a diddly-fuck, but that’s just reflective of him and not reflective of a larger cultural problem.

I myself have indeed seen the apex of racial unity at a party once, and it was accomplished to the tune of “Mr. Brightside”. I saw a gaggle of white students set aside their differences and lose their voices to “Blank Space” by unproblematic songstress Taylor Swift. Her voice is clear and her proportions inoffensive. Take note, Rihanna.

White people can listen to rap music and still remain their civility, so why can’t we?! Greg Dufraney can listen to XXXtentacion all day and be up early the next morning for bible study. But african americans don’t seem to have the mental processing power to listen to music about one thing, and simultaneously live our lives according to a separate set of values. We should probably stop putting so much sugar in our food.

So many black youth, who may once have dreamed of being a doctor or lawyer or even olympic swimmer are now satisfied to simply “cook dope with the uzi” or “ spend 3 racks on a new chain (ooh)”. The opioid crisis finds its ground zero in the Migos kitchen.

If we stop listening to music that glorifies the gangster lifestyle, gang violence will stop completely. The hood will be safe. Our children will have access to good education, consistent jobs, and lucrative opportunities. Lemon pepper wings will rain from the sky, Michael Jackson will be alive again, our dads will come back. I know this for a fact.

Greg told me about how his ancestors came to America in 1853 from Germany (he’s also part Swedish and Norwegian and 1/16th Iroquois) and they were super poor. But now, his family owns a small packing company and they’re all comfortably upper middle class and there’s no reason blacks can’t do the same thing so I don’t know why they don’t stop fucking complaining [sic] and start pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. We must stop claiming generational poverty to makeup for our rampant irresponsibility.

If we weren’t so contented to spend our time retweeting gifs from love and hip-hop atlanta, we might actually be making progress. Instead we’re kneeling for the flag because we hate veterans so fucking much.

The black mind is simple, and especially vulnerable to music, especially the extra-whippable kind with the heavy bass that makes the trunk off your 2007 Chrysler 300 bounce like a motherfucker. Too long we have let our lives be dictated and directed by rappers who’d encourage you to spend the money from your index fund on Balmain bomber jackets. Black poverty stands at 27.4%, and I’d bet you that 27.3% of those black working class members listen to too much 21 savage. Greg Dufraney told me. So us blacks must learn to protect our impressionable minds from nigga-rich moguls who seek to destroy what America has so graciously given you. Yes, I’m speaking to you Colin Kaepernick.

I’m begging all my fellow people of color - open your eyes. We can save ourselves, but only if we want to. Neither Jay Z nor Metro Boomin will do it for us. So from now on, I will only be listening to respectable black artists - Will Smith, Eddie Murphy, and Ben Carson audio books. The sooner our image is removed from the family destroying values of so many popular black entertainers, the sooner we’ll be on our way to our inheritance.

And I’m saying this as a comfortably middle class black male with a public ivy education who has your best interest in mind, because we’re all the same.

Well, you’re all the same.