Say No to Cigarettes and Don’t Be a Chainsmoker

Say No to Cigarettes and Don’t Be a Chainsmoker

If you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers, stop right here and don’t move one eye muscle downward, but if you want to learn what is good for you please be my guest. Usually I’m a give-credit-where-credit-is-due kind of guy, but not in this instance. Over the past three years, there has been an ever-increasing amount of cookie-cutter EDM on whatever Top 40 radio station is playing in your respective office, café or car. It is a disgrace to the whole genre, and the very principles that this transformative music was built upon. EDM was created from the same basements, dive bars and overcrowded house parties that punk-rock got its revolutionary beginning. The fathers of punk-rock: The MC5, The Who, The Kinks and Iggy Pop, were a force in the underground arena in the 70s. The bands that took the genre into the mainstream were bands like The Ramones, The Sex Pistols, and yes, The Rolling Stones.

Many people saw the punk-rock movement as unabashed, hateful music. Others, who were more inclined to hear the different sounds of the 70s, became entranced with the unconventional lyrics and raw vibes. Sound familiar? If you are 18 to 20-something, you’ve most likely seen the documentary, Steve Aoki: I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead. It takes you on a whirlwind tour through the unimaginable life of Aoki’s upbringing by his mogul father, and gives a glimpse into the work ethic of a passionate maniac. This movie conveys the evolution of modern EDM as we know it, from the underground sweatboxes to the overcrowded, overpriced LA bar scene. Before the ones we call The Chainsmokers came along, there was more of an understanding that with every year EDM existed, it would also evolve and improve with every year.

People want new, that is how we are built. It’s the same reason why girls get so tired of the same dude, because it’s fucking boring. The more visceral EDM is, makes it that much better. The more fireworks, the higher level of face melting. The more lasers and lights, the crazier the trip or also possible seizure. Unchill, but you get the point (I’ve witnessed that first-hand and I’m not making jokes at seizures, but seriously, if you knowingly have epilepsy while attending an EDM concert, maybe it’s Darwinism).

Now we have a product that is an unfortunate byproduct of what our millennial generation has to offer, The Chainsmokers. Cue the lights, cue the sound and cue the devastation from an anti-fan. This so called ‘band’ has some serious statistics to back up them up. In 2016, they won Best New Artist, Best Pop Duo/Group Performance and Best Dance Recording. We saw an awful performance at said Grammy’s of "Closer (feat. Halsey)". They complained about incorrect reverb, and the whole nine, while completely disregarding that maybe, possibly they are talentless.

One thing The Chainsmokers are good at is marketing themselves and being just good enough, while simultaneously making sounds that are rife enough to make it in the marketplace. A quote from the relatable movie Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping, “Conner's music may not be what I listen to in my free time, but it seems to make so many people money”(IMDb). Yes, I do see a correlation between a satirical movie and The Chainsmokers because I’m convinced the Illuminati is just playing a big trick on all of us. Mostly playing a trick on dumbbrainitis. It’s a serious condition you should get checked out.

A comparison has been made in other articles and platforms that The Chainsmokers are the Nickelback of passive aggressive, over-sexualized late 90s-early 2000s rock, and I would have to agree. The reason being, they started off cool, and later became so uncool that if you were caught dead simply listening to their music, your friend group probably would write you off right then and there. Instantaneous hatred by a fuuuuuckk ton of people, is how you know something maybe, just maybe, is terrible. Their much needed female vocals, singing along to meaningless, vacuous lyrics kind of makes you want to blow your brains out Hemingway style, and please don’t forget the tired bass warbles that are on an incessant loop.

Thankfully there is virtually no guideline to how blogs can be written, so here are some quotes from the duo (Drew Taggart/Alex Pall) who make up the aforementioned “band”:

“Even before success, pussy was number one.”

“We’re just frat bro dudes, you know what I mean? Loving ladies and stuff.”

“You’ll never see us getting carried out of a club. We’re way too good at drinking.”

“I don’t know what to say to people who think it’s a con. We’re literally going for our third double-platinum record this year.”

Woah! Awesome, some serious misogyny and “bro-ification” (made that word up). The fact that our “millennial” generation is apparently hard of hearing, for the most part, at least by numbers’ sake, scares the living shit out of me. Are these the same people who walk down the street with their smartphone an inch away from their face without the slightest understanding of their surroundings? I think so. It just can’t be. I’m in disbelief that I’m even having to write that I got this notification on my iPhone: “Billboard: The Chainsmokers become third group to have three top 10 songs in the Hot 100 at the same time, matching The Beatles and Bee Gees. Yes, I just wrote that.

The Beatles was the same band that was capable of meeting in a studio for one measly afternoon, and producing a whole album. They literally created multi-platinum albums in a day. They turned a generation upside down, threw them into a washing machine, and created what we know today as the start of the biggest music revolution in human history.

Then the Bee Gees, who took the disco genre to a whole new level of white powder and roller blades and kept it alive for probably a decade longer than it should’ve been. On the other hand, in many people’s eyes, the disco genre was equally unfortunate as was the existence of bubble gum pop in the early 2000s, so The Chainsmokers on the same list as the Bee Gees might go hand-in-hand. If you’re alive and have been on this planet earth for more than 5 years, then there is no way you haven’t heard "Stayin’ Alive" by the Bee Gees. If you haven’t, you’re living a lie and you live in an alternate universe where Led Zeppelin’s "Stairway to Heaven" hasn’t been overplayed to death as well. It’s amazing folks. I’m only 22, and I think we may be witnessing the end of the EDM era due to these two clowns who came out of a stale frat house’s basement covered in last night’s garbage, repurposed for the band party they needed for a last ditch effort, and then chiseled by the macro drop gods.

HMTA doesn’t need this article purely for some content. The majority of people who actually like good music I hope can all agree from my biased opinion that there is enough clear evidence as to why everyone who is anyone in the music business needs to stop giving The Chainsmokers the time of day. They are an obstacle in a whole genre’s path into the legendary realm it now might never reach.

I could almost taste it in 2013/2014. Bassnectar was on fire, Steve Aoki was crushing cakes left and right and deadmau5 was vibing on every polygonal-shaped stage all over the world. But now we have The Chainsmokers, who have recently released a single dubbed "Paris" that refers to the mental state of paris. By definition it basically means delusional mental states, varying symptoms include de-realization and hallucination. There is no way they wrote this, or meant to write it. Someone handed them a piece of paper that had these lyrics on it and said, “People will like that 'Paris' is included in the song, and for those who get it, they will think you’re really deep.” They have also just released a single named "Something Just Like This," which they co-created with Coldplay. This is one of Coldplay’s many moves they’ve made to stay kind of relevant. Both songs are overly catchy, and constructed in a marketing firm’s breakfast pan full of eggs and bullshit.

The Chainsmokers release their new album Memories: Do Not Open on April 7. It includes 12 tracks, including the one with Coldplay as well as one with country music group Florida-Georgia Line. It also boasts features with Emily Warren, Louvane and Jhene Aiko. If history repeats itself and this album goes double platinum, I’ll lose something extra from my soul. I will not be surprised when it happens. Kind of find it hilarious that Florida-Georgia Line is on this album because they are also a band that made a whole genre go real pop-y, real quick.

If you want to look at one of the poorest excuses for a video, here you go:

Peace, love, tequila. @SandwichTime520